im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i love accidental penises.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
