On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
