Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
