I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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