Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
