I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
