Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
