Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
