We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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