Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i came on her dog
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
