And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
