I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
This is not my ceiling
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
