whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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