I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
