i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
