I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just invented taco cereal.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
