a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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