so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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