Are we in a gay sports bar?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
