A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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