By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
