OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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