Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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