everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
