i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
