dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
