i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
