Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
