I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
