If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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