last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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