I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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