I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
