does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
