someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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