This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We need to get me chipped asap
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
