Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
