Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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