I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
