Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
