I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
