i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
