The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
