Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
