Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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