I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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