I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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