She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
