Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Randomize
