So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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