glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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