I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
