I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
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Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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