we're chasing vodka with high fives
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
how drunk are you?
Several
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
