So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
