turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
